Love Island’s Lonely Hearts

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Love Island is all over for another year (noooooooooo!) with Dani and Jack being crowned love’s young dream.

They’re not the only of the islanders to have found ‘love’ this series but (and call us cynical) when the suntans have faded and the club appearances and clothing line deals have dried up will these romances still be going strong?

In the event they should find themselves single again in the future, The Style Edit has taken the liberty of writing their Lonely Hearts Column personal ads.

Worryingly pink doctor would like to crack on with smoking hot girl, way out of own league, for cringey role play and little to no other signs of affection. Preferably, you’d just be a car. Must come with an unlimited supply of factor 50 sun cream.

Loyal babe partial to a temper tantrum would like to couple up with loyal boo to be loyal to for life (or until a friend’s hotter boyfriend comes along). Essential qualities in ideal partner are honesty, realness, authenticity, genuineness and loyalty, loyalty, LOYALTY. 

Cheeky Geordie lad, with abs carved by the gods, hopes to find love lust with any woman with a pulse, of any age, any height, any hair colour, any size…basically, if you are a woman you will be his type. More suited to women seeking a short term fling due to his medical condition of a severe wandering eye.

Unemployed Chelsea socialite seeks genuine woman to share his £400,000,000 fortune with. No gold-diggers or money-grabbers. Please try to see past his £400,000,000 bank balance. There are 400,000,000 other reasons to love him, e.g. all his cutlery matches.

Laidback and lovely Cockney daddy’s girl in ‘Dyer’ need of love, would like to meet cheeky chappy for long-term relationship based on strong friendship. No cheats, no liars. Let her be ‘that girl’ to change your world.

29 (??) year old mile high club member desperately seeks much more than a (Highland) fling, to take her to the clouds above and settle down with ASAP. Must be aged 20-39, serious about long-term commitment and starting a family. Kids’ names already chosen and non-negotiable.

Formerly muggy blonde bombshell always looks a million dollars (or £25,000 to be more precise). Please be aware that should you choose to procreate, your offspring will bear absolutely no resemblance to their mother’s current face. You can seek her father’s blessing when he returns to the country.

Mamma Mia! This totes cutesy Dream Girl will make a Mighty strong impression and if you’re the guy for her you’ll have an all singing, all dancing, show-stopping romance (you know what I mean?). Some have questioned this lady’s morals over query snake-like behaviour but she really is just honest and frank(ie).

Charismatic Essex salesman and DBS receptionist with dazzling (read: blindingly) white smile and dad bod would like to couple up with easy-going babe to banter, bird watch and do impressions with. Keen to move forward quickly and not remain ‘stationery’.

Hunky carpenter (who works with wood, not carpets) seeks new romance off the back of ‘Toxic’ fling with pop princess. Definitely not a ‘Womanizer,’ this male model will be a love ‘Slave 4 U’ and drive you ‘Crazy’. As your love grows ‘Stronger’ you will definitely feel ‘Lucky’ and he’ll have you screaming ‘Gimme More’!

TSE would like to take this opportunity to apologise for the number of puns you have just absorbed into your brain, and to wish sincere good luck and best wishes to all this year’s couples. We look forward to following your love journey in Heat magazine and on your Instagram stories, until scandal doth ye part. 

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