Christmas; the most wonderful time of the year or an an old fashioned cliché that we’re all forced to endure?
*It’s non-vegan! Turkey? Ham? Chocolate? Ew. Talk to me when Christmas dinner entails tofu and smashed avocado please.
*It’s sexist! SnowMEN, gingerbreadMEN, peace on earth and goodwill to all MEN…way to gender stereotype guys…er…I mean, folks.
*It violates our privacy and personal safety! Should we really be teaching our kids that it’s OK for Santa to break into our houses via our chimneys and to help himself to our snacks? Would you let a common criminal do that just because they had a beard and a jolly red suit?
*It’s prejudiced! Why do Christians get to dominate the biggest global holiday? What about other religions? What about atheists and scientologists and Jedis? Nativity plays and Christmas in general are deeply offensive and should be outlawed at the risk of upsetting others.
*It exploits animals! Santa, up to no good as usual, forces his nine poor reindeer to haul his heavy ass around the entire planet in one night. By FLYING. Reindeer aren’t even meant to fly. It is cruel and unusual and defies not only animal labour laws but also nature itself.
*It dictates what we should do and how we should feel! Have myself a merry little Christmas? Jingle ALL the way? I better watch out, I better not cry? Wow, how about just letting me live my life you fascist?
*It distracts us from our fitness journeys! Everyone stuffs their faces and the gyms are shut for a day. Don’t you want an 8 pack underneath your tacky jumper? Don’t you want to look flawless at all times? You don’t deserve a rest. If you’re fit you can never enjoy yourself, ever. Drop and give me 10, you lowly maggot!
*It encourages alcoholism! Mulled wine, Baileys, eggnog and champagne are just a few of the ‘festive’ beverages you’ll be forced into ‘enjoying’. Just say no and stick to soft drinks. But not Shloer; don’t be so basic.
*It promotes sexual harassment! The idea of someone kissing you under the mistletoe or telling you that all they want for Christmas is you should disgust you and if it doesn’t you are anti-feminist and probably some form of sexual miscreant who needs locked away.
It distracts you from self love! It’s 2018 and we all know self-lovery and taking time to meditate and focus on oneself is really important. Well how are you meant to do that if you’re busy thinking of others? Wasting time thinking of thoughtful gifts and socialising? It’s so medieval and outdated. Stay focused on number one.
*It distracts us from global climate issues! Oh, you’re dreaming of a white Christmas? Cute. So are polar bears but you forgot about their melting ice caps because you’re so busy singing your merry songs. Why are you so selfish?
*It’s bad for the environment! Yeah cool, go ahead and chop down an innocent tree and tart it up with energy wasting twinkly lights, you barbarian. Have you no soul?
*Its movies are deeply problematic! In The Santa Clause Tim Allen steals Santa’s identity after murdering him. Home Alone is a tale of horrifying child neglect. The Snowman abducts a young boy from his back garden and makes off with him in the dead of night. And Martine McCutcheon fat shames herself in Love Actually. Why do we watch these films as if ANY of this is ok?
It’s CHRISTMAS! And if glitter, cheesy music and eating you body weight in Quality Street aren’t reason enough to embrace this festive holiday then we don’t know what is. If Christmas is wrong then we don’t want to be right!