The most romantic day of the year or an over-hyped Hallmark holiday? TSE contributor Jordan Humphries gets frank on the dos and (mainly) don’ts of oversharing this February 14.
Valentine’s Day…*insert eye roll emoji*… I’m sorry but it’s kind of the worst, isn’t it? It’s always been naff but with social media the naffness seems to have multiplied and, even if we choose not to observe Valentine’s Day ourselves, it is thrust upon us as our newsfeeds are saturated with a load of absolute guff.
Here are some of the things we’re sure to see on Instagram this Valentine’s Day…
Bundles of bouquets
Whether it’s an extravagant arrangement her lad’s forked out a month’s wages for or a scraggly last-minute jobby from the petrol station, if a girl’s received flowers, you’re 100% gonna see them.
Declarations of undying love
As a reformed relationship over-sharer I get it, you want the world to know that you’re sooooo happy. But a collage of selfies accompanied by a five paragraph essay about how lucky you are to have found your soulmate and crammed full of private jokes, nicknames and gushing sentiments is just unnecessary (and, from experience, often hints at overcompensation for a less-than-perfect relationship). If you love your fuzzy wuzzy wuv munchkin so much, do us a favour mate and just send them a text.
Rose petals on the bed, a lovingly microwaved Marksie’s Dine In For 2, an impractically oversized teddy bear, a spa day he got on Groupon, enough tealights to burn your house down… we’ve seen it all before. So unless your other half has lit up a billboard in Times Square with your portrait, please think twice before posting your clutter.
The boy did good
Nothing annoys the living piss out of me more than that phrase. As soon as you caption your shot of needlessly extravagant gifts with ‘the boy did good’ you instantly become 100 times more of a knob. See also: ‘luckiest girl in the world’, ‘#blessed’ and referring to your partner as ‘this one’ or ‘my favourite’. #Stop
Most engagement posts are cringey as it is but an engagement post on Valentine’s Day statistically doubles the chances of everyone in your friends’ list rolling their eyes so hard they go blind (probably). If you get engaged, congratulations, seriously, but wait a day or two to share the news because there’s only so much soppiness that an iPhone can take in one day before it spontaneously combusts (probably).
Inspirational quotes about being single
Your mate who thinks she’s Beyoncé will have painstakingly selected the perfect quote for the occasion to let you know that she’s a strong independent woman who don’t need no man and to rally her fellow singletons in a revolt against relationships. Give her a like, she’s probably going to spend her night crying into a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and swiping through Tinder.
Lacy red underwear
Be it be from a professional shoot or a simple mirror selfie, guaranteed you will see some lingerie pics popping up. I’m all for a good undies pic – if you’ve got it, flaunt it– but if you post a boudoir shot accompanied by an inspiring quote from the Dalai Lama or, worst of all, Marilyn Monroe, you need to have a wee word with yourself. Saying, “here’s me in some nice knickers because I want you to see how fit I am,” is perfectly acceptable.
Lots of red and pink outfits
All the blaggers/bloggers out there will have been trawling Boohoo and ASOS for weeks to assemble the perfect outfit with a suitable V-day colour palette and aesthetic. Rest assured, after snapping the perfect #OOTD pic they’ll package it back up and return it, stat.
Lots of red and pink makeup
Just as St. Patrick’s day presents us with a plethora of green lips and glittery emerald eyes, the faces of MUAs with be bedecked with the colours of this holiday. Cue burgundy smokes, hot pink cut creases and more popping red pouts than you can shake a stick at.
Look. I’m sorry. Kissing selfies are contrived, unnecessary and honestly everyone who follows you is grossed out by them. Have a nice snog behind closed doors and take a pic of for your archives if you really want. But please spare me and the rest of the world from having to look at it.
The anti-Valentine’s brigade
Between couples who are ‘too cool’ for it and bitter singles who detest the love fest, prepare for some strong anti-February 14 commentary. I mean, really, if you hate Valentine’s day so much why even bother taking the time making a post about it at all? Or, like, wasting hours writing a whole article on it…
Seriously though, Happy Valentine’s Day, you soppy lot.
I hope the thorns in your roses prick you. xoxo